Strictly Mortifying !
Having been accosted over a pound of sausages by the Dancing Butcher, I find myself enlisted in the local "Strictly Come Dancing" ( SCD from now on). I did not enter this reluctantly as, having spent some time losing 2 stone, I am keen to get fit and this appeared to be a fun way of exercising, while gaining a new skill and meeting some new people.Practice started this week and I showed up in my new slinky sports wear...not like the baggy drawstring tracksuit bottoms of old. My sparkling new trainers immediately identified me as someone to whom exercise is alien, but I was full of enthusiasm. I decided to take my place in the back row for the warm up stretches, one of which involved bending forwards from the waist with arms spread and remaining at a 90 degree angle for a count of 8. Little did I know that this shot of me taken from behind by a local photographer , would be the one which graced the local Rugby Club Facebook page with the caption " guess who is training for Strictly"!
I thought things couldn't get any more embarassing after the "butt shot" but last night took me to new levels. The key to the initial sessions is that you should dance with as many different partners as you can. I had already danced with the Spud Farmer, my brother in law, married to The Mad One, his first cousin ( Bangin' Barry), and his first cousins cousin ...I kid you not...new people my arse !The time came to change partners again, so I side stepped away from Bangin Barry to a guy who had only arrived that evening for the first time. I am 5 foot 9 inches and a fine speciman of a girl and he was about 5 foot 3 inches. At that moment the choreographer, Gavin Glitter, decided it was time to pracise lifts ....yes, actual dancing lifts ! Slowly ,the whole room turned to look where Gaving Glitter was staring and burst out laughing as he looked me and my partner up and down, before exclaiming " except you two" !
With that, he did a three way swop so that I ended up partnered again with the Spud Farmer. The first lift ( we thought there was only one) involved my standing in front of the Spud Farmer, with his hands on my hips, my hands on his wrists and basically leaping up like a ballerina. Although we were not what you call graceful, we managed it admirably ( more Duck Pond than Swan Lake). The next lift, oh God, involved him pulling me up from a seated position and swinging me up onto his back with my legs spread and our hands up in the air.I kid you not. As you can imagine, this led to some hilarity and me looking as if I was actually mugging him from behind.We thought it couldn't get worse....and then it did. Lift 3...stand in front our your partner, his hands loosely on your hips, your hands on his wrists, jump as high as you can, so that your bottom ends up on your partners CHEST, with your legs wrapped behind him, then lean forward to go down between his legs facing backwards as he leans forwards so that he can lower you "gently" to the floor before sliding you back though his legs and helping you up " gracefully". MOTHER OF GOD !. I was attempting this lift with my sisters husband. In some countries what we were attempting would be illegal !
It probably would have gone well, had the Spud Farmer, not misheard the fact that his hands were meant to move to my waist to ensure I did not fall as opposed to tip forward. The Spud Farmer, in his defense, was petrified he would drop me, so placed his large farmer hands on my inner thigh. I was so delighted we managed to do the first lift, that I ended up sitting on my brother in laws chest , with his hands on my inner thighs, while I shouted Yes, Yes !
And we wondered why everyone laughed !
I thought things couldn't get any more embarassing after the "butt shot" but last night took me to new levels. The key to the initial sessions is that you should dance with as many different partners as you can. I had already danced with the Spud Farmer, my brother in law, married to The Mad One, his first cousin ( Bangin' Barry), and his first cousins cousin ...I kid you not...new people my arse !The time came to change partners again, so I side stepped away from Bangin Barry to a guy who had only arrived that evening for the first time. I am 5 foot 9 inches and a fine speciman of a girl and he was about 5 foot 3 inches. At that moment the choreographer, Gavin Glitter, decided it was time to pracise lifts ....yes, actual dancing lifts ! Slowly ,the whole room turned to look where Gaving Glitter was staring and burst out laughing as he looked me and my partner up and down, before exclaiming " except you two" !
With that, he did a three way swop so that I ended up partnered again with the Spud Farmer. The first lift ( we thought there was only one) involved my standing in front of the Spud Farmer, with his hands on my hips, my hands on his wrists and basically leaping up like a ballerina. Although we were not what you call graceful, we managed it admirably ( more Duck Pond than Swan Lake). The next lift, oh God, involved him pulling me up from a seated position and swinging me up onto his back with my legs spread and our hands up in the air.I kid you not. As you can imagine, this led to some hilarity and me looking as if I was actually mugging him from behind.We thought it couldn't get worse....and then it did. Lift 3...stand in front our your partner, his hands loosely on your hips, your hands on his wrists, jump as high as you can, so that your bottom ends up on your partners CHEST, with your legs wrapped behind him, then lean forward to go down between his legs facing backwards as he leans forwards so that he can lower you "gently" to the floor before sliding you back though his legs and helping you up " gracefully". MOTHER OF GOD !. I was attempting this lift with my sisters husband. In some countries what we were attempting would be illegal !
It probably would have gone well, had the Spud Farmer, not misheard the fact that his hands were meant to move to my waist to ensure I did not fall as opposed to tip forward. The Spud Farmer, in his defense, was petrified he would drop me, so placed his large farmer hands on my inner thigh. I was so delighted we managed to do the first lift, that I ended up sitting on my brother in laws chest , with his hands on my inner thighs, while I shouted Yes, Yes !
And we wondered why everyone laughed !
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