Contraception, Insemination and Halitosis
I really like Pope Francis but this week, he and I saw things slightly differently on the whole procreation front. I had no qualms about his suggesting people limiting their family to three. The mere threat of my two becoming four based on a family history of twins, led me to call a swift halt to conception in our house. Now, as per Pope Francis, I should now be using " natural methods of contraception" to ensure our happy little family remains, as far as I am concerned, happy. He suggests this as if it is easy...he would be wrong....quite a feat for an infallible man . You see, the "natural" method involves the female of the species taking her temperature on a daily basis so that she can " naturally" determine her most fertile time, then " naturally" abstaining from any D+D ( Down and Dirty) until "safe" again to do so. " Naturally" no man thinks this is a great plan, as it is a guaranteed 5 -6 days of abstinence in a calender whcih is not that busy anyway after 2 kids. Realistically, men are in fact rightly screwed by this as, as well as the 5 -6 days mid way , there are about 6-7 days a week or so later, when is actually taking his life in his hands making any D+D suggestion. All this along with a neurotic wife who is petrified of getting pregnant, and he might as well declare himself celibate...something Pope Francis actually understands.
Now that's not to say that all is plain sailing when artificial methods of contraception are used to prevent insemination. For a happily monogamous average D+D couple, there are numerous options, not all of which I will choose to discuss at this point, but warn that the side effects can be a drawback...Freudian slip ! The Macarena as we refer to it in my girle circle, one of the more popular contraceptive methods, among those who have had children, offers the advantage of being able to forget about making any contraceptive effort for 5 years, so is popular due to the fact that mothers, on certain days can't even remember their own names, let alone any daily contraceptive dose. The whole method of Macarena insertion has been the subject of many highly entertaining girls nights out, one story involving one particular friend of mine being somewhat nervous, in advance of this minor procedure. Another very kind friend gave her a Difene suppository to relax her, but failed to mention the method of administration, so my nervous friend literally had a lump in her throat throughout, having tried to ingest it whole...I kid you not. Another friend gives us the date due for her Macarena change and we all mark it in our diaries every year ,until we all ,simultaneously, remind her of her need for a new one, at least 6 months before it's due as she is ever so slightly unreliable with dates. Natural contraception in her case would have left her like the Old Woman in the Shoe !
The Macarena is the dance I like to do, but although it removes the chance of pregnancy, it does not remove that 6-7 days of torture, which men think we women meet and make up just for fun, and we women think is created by men deciding to be total bastards especially for that week every month. I find ingestion of very large Evening Primrose capsules ( roughly same size as a Difene suppository) helps, followed by ingestion of large capsules of red wine, petrol station sausage rolls ( their phallic shape completely incidental) and a good bitch with the girls. The fact that female friends invariably end up at this same insane week all around the same time, is so that we can bitch together ..........or plot our partners murders!
Truthfully, the real reason this method works for me is that , thanks to the hormones eminating from the Macarena, I get brutal sinus congestion about the same time as that dangerous week, leading to my having such repulsive Halitosis that GASP would not come near me...it's a win win :)
Now that's not to say that all is plain sailing when artificial methods of contraception are used to prevent insemination. For a happily monogamous average D+D couple, there are numerous options, not all of which I will choose to discuss at this point, but warn that the side effects can be a drawback...Freudian slip ! The Macarena as we refer to it in my girle circle, one of the more popular contraceptive methods, among those who have had children, offers the advantage of being able to forget about making any contraceptive effort for 5 years, so is popular due to the fact that mothers, on certain days can't even remember their own names, let alone any daily contraceptive dose. The whole method of Macarena insertion has been the subject of many highly entertaining girls nights out, one story involving one particular friend of mine being somewhat nervous, in advance of this minor procedure. Another very kind friend gave her a Difene suppository to relax her, but failed to mention the method of administration, so my nervous friend literally had a lump in her throat throughout, having tried to ingest it whole...I kid you not. Another friend gives us the date due for her Macarena change and we all mark it in our diaries every year ,until we all ,simultaneously, remind her of her need for a new one, at least 6 months before it's due as she is ever so slightly unreliable with dates. Natural contraception in her case would have left her like the Old Woman in the Shoe !
The Macarena is the dance I like to do, but although it removes the chance of pregnancy, it does not remove that 6-7 days of torture, which men think we women meet and make up just for fun, and we women think is created by men deciding to be total bastards especially for that week every month. I find ingestion of very large Evening Primrose capsules ( roughly same size as a Difene suppository) helps, followed by ingestion of large capsules of red wine, petrol station sausage rolls ( their phallic shape completely incidental) and a good bitch with the girls. The fact that female friends invariably end up at this same insane week all around the same time, is so that we can bitch together ..........or plot our partners murders!
Truthfully, the real reason this method works for me is that , thanks to the hormones eminating from the Macarena, I get brutal sinus congestion about the same time as that dangerous week, leading to my having such repulsive Halitosis that GASP would not come near me...it's a win win :)
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