"Cat"astrophe

D Day had finally come. Having loved, lost and lamented numerous kittens over the years, I knew I needed to put a stop to production before we were over run with inbred mutant cats. The lovely Socky and Flowerpot were booked in to be neutered in the vets yesterday morning, with instruction to have them fasting from 9.00pm the night before. This was where the fun started.
I had a cunning plan to let the two outdoor cats into the kitchen for some food, shut the door behind them, place a litter tray beside them and leave them in the kitchen overnight, ensuring their capture and fasting. GASP was having none of it. He reckoned they should be kept overnight in the shed declaring they would , without doubt, defecate in the house. " How dare you !" I exclaimed...my pussies are toilet trained and there is no way I can catch them in the morning in the shed. I declared that they were categorically staying in the house and GASP stated categorically they had to go into the utility room as they would definitely poo . I promptly bet him €20 that they would use the lovely new cat litter tray and myself and eldest son, set to trying to move the two reluctant felines into the utility. They were having none of it and 45 minutes later we heaved a sigh of relief as we finally shut the utility room door behind them, having exercised french foreign legion stealth techniques. The utility room was, incidentally full of baskets of washed clothes and a hanging rail of clothes, but I was confident the cats would happily settle down on the mat for the night .....WRONG ***%%%$$$ !! The following morning GASP arose and entered the utility room on his way to the back toilet. He swiftly changed direction and arrived down to me in the bedroom advising that I needed to come "take a look ". Hole Mother of God !!! One cat was asleep on the window sill and the other in a basket of clothes...the utility room had a dress and trousers covered in cat hair on the ground, the clothes rail and a basket knocked over and there on the big square sunken door mat, were the two largest cat turds I had ever seen...yes the cat shat on the mat ! The litter tray was the only pristine thing in the fffin room !!! GASP simply raised his eyebrows.
I placed both cats in a cage and set to cleaning everything, the walls, floors, clothes, windows and the mat ! I got the two cats to the vets, happily handed them over and returned home to continue cleaning, including where a kitten had decided to poo as I had moved the cat litter tray !
I got the two cats home, flacid and drowsy and placed them in the shed with a litter tray and a small amount of food as advised. The kittens pined outside and another one decided to mark it's distress by pooing outside the door !!!!I cleaned this up and fatally entered the shed to retrieve the mat the cat had previously shat on ! Flowerpot shot out like a bullet and looked at me venomously as she cocked her tail in the air and fecked off. This led to our setting of our humane cat trap to try to recapture her as according to her post op instructions she had to be kept, quiet, warm and separate from the others...did we catch her...did we f***. Instead we captured a completely feral lunatic kitten who promptly shat in the trap !!! £££^^%%**&&& WTF !!! I sprayed it with flea spray as it hissed and spat, and then released it , most likely never to be caught again. At this point I had had enough cats, enough poo, enough cleaning. I had scented candles lit all over the place, air freshener in every corner and the house smelled like a brothel ! I gave up, poured a Merlot and watched the end of Bake Off the Professionals. This morning Flowerpot strolled up for her breakfast as usual, I let Socky out as she was bouncing around the shed ( she had used the cat litter tray though! ) and gave them both some tuna with their painkiller in it . I am done !