bigfoodiemama

Oh yes thought Victor,I'll cut the grass, Maybe the Blonde would like to see my ass, Come on Blonde, come out with me Oh yes, said she, I'll bring my tea Up and down the lawn he went Hands tightly on his mower His willy dragging on the ground Did make him a bit slower What a lovely view, said the Blonde Sipping on her cuppa Hoping when he'd done the grass He might just slip one up her It is your birthday, I suppose Said Victor with a grin, Drop your tea, take of your hat And I will stick it in Just then, they heard a loud "hello" The girls had come to party Oh Blonde, they said, how could you Your sandals are sooo tarty They then caught sight of Victor In sandals, hat and socks, BFM went to hug him But the FA dropped in shock The moral of this story's clear Said the Blonde to Victor, forlorn You should have shagged my brains out Before you cut the lawn ! Happy Birthday Blonde xxxx

Oh yes ! Yes, Yes, Yes ! Am I glad I broke my own Sunday night curfew and stayed up to watch TV until 11.00pm ( I know, Rebel hey !)At 9.00 GASP and I sat in our favourite seats to enjoy a bit of Sunday night viewing, having survived another weekend. I am renowned for starting to watch a film, but then head off to my novel and duvet by 10.00. GASP rarely avails of the Sunday night WOO (Window of Opportunity) as, one hour in, he has committed to the film and his needs are met. Last night however, was all about me ! We flicked through the channels and settled on Transposter 3, having found the first two movies having been, far fetched but enjoyable. On initial glance Transpoter 3, with it's stunts,guns, bad guys and car chases does not suggest chick flick, but that's where you would be wrong. The one common theme running through the entire film is JASON STATHAM ........Thank you God ! He is the James Bond for those girls who like a "bit of rough".........ME !I have neve

This man is a true Foodie ! On his way to the Royal Wedding in Monaco of Prince Albert and She Who Tried to Flee Last Minute, Steven Spielberg had his pilot land his private jet in Shannon, and had a driver take him the 70 miles to Ballyvaughan, becuase he wanted to have some Cheesecake at the Tea Rooms. FANTASTIC ! Now that's devotion to food. Cheesecake happens to beone of my favourite desserts but I am very fussy, preferring the Traditional to the Baileys or Double Chocolate new fad types....leave it alone !Do not bake it ! Do not serve it with an Egg and Bacon Ice Cream. Do not surround it by " coulis". On no account put a mint leaf on top of it and remember, if you are going to use it in the bedroom, scrape the biscuit base first ! ( JOKE !)I took the liberty of looking up Allrecipes.com to see how many cheesecake recipes there were.....414 recipes, including Christmas, Praline, Swiss, Turtle ????, Neopolitan. Japenese, Tiramisu, Eggnog, Macaroon, Persimmon, Si

Now this one is going to be hard to believe, but can be verified by the other members of Girls Aloud I ,eventually, dined with last night. Four of the original members ( minus Thelma who is in Ottawa....we miss you !) arranged to meet, as we do, in the Siam Thai restaurant in Malahide. At 6.30pm, 3 of us took our seats and pondered the immense menu, quickly deciding that the Three Way Jumbo Prawns sounded great.Just as I had taken sip 1 of my Sauvignon Blanc, our 4th member arrived. In a split second, she lost her footing beside the table and the poor dear fell down between the tables. This would just have been embarrassing and a bit funny if she had not actually banjaxed her ankle. It did not take medical degree to know that something was seriously wrong ( unlike the opinion I had with the Blonde's ankle at Christmas !). In a matter of moments, a very handsome man advised me that he was an ex fire man, and proceeded to calm the poor injured party. An ambulance was called ,and two

My followers will remember the devastation I experienced last year when I had to miss the Taste of Dublin, due to one of the boys being sick. This year I prayed to the wellness fairy and she delivered ! On Friday evening BMM, the FA, the Seamstress, the Mad One and yours truly headed off in the Seamstresses amazing Skoda Superb for an evening of tasting, sipping, tasting some more, drinking...you get my drift. A sunny Iveagh Gardens beckoned us and we headed straight for the Jacobs Creek stand intending to use our relationship with the Ambassadrice to secure free bubbly. This is when it happened. A member of the sales team overhearing the chat, asked if I was the 25 year old Ambassadrice's MOTHER !The Mad One thought this was just hilarious, so I shot back my first glass with haste and proceeded quickly to my second. It was a great evening, aided by the truly amazing 80's tribute band " Spring Break" (http://springbreak80s.com) . I stuck to Thai/Malaysian/Indian fayre

On Tuesday evening last, the Mad One, the Stunner and myself headed off to the new craze diet class in a local GAA hall. Each of us for many years has fought the flab via various methods ( WW, ignoring it, coffee and fags, the soup diet, grapefruit diet, cabbage diet etc. etc. etc.) We wanted to try something new with the moral support of each other so off we went.We arrived into an oestrogen stuffed room to be greeted by the leader, a Duracell Bunny type, who asked if we would like tea or coffee !? She advised us to sit with the numerous other "newbies", complete the usual form and take a seat as the class was about to begin. Our previous experience of classes has involved a sedate 20 minute general talk, with a "good luck for the week ahead" and off you go.......not so this time. Name by name, the bouncing leader went through every woman in the room and advised us all of her weight loss or gain, congratulating or berating in turn. Excuses were cast forward onto he

Last night was the social outcasts dinner party in our place. We were joined by the Stunner, YWML, The Mad One, Newly Single, Skinny Malink, Victor, the Blonde, the FA, The Teacher and The Queen of Baking. The antipasti were served outside in the garden with some beautifully chilled Gavi.The men hung around the patio doors so they could view Ireland v Macedonia on the small tv in the kitchen and the Teacher and Victor chose their seats for dinner according to the view of same.The Lemon Chicken was served with a marvellous array of exotic salads, thanks to everyones contributions. The Mad One had brought baked Rooster potatoes and offered Victor one ( potato that is !)of a particular shape and width. Skinny Malink came out with some lovely wee jokes but the Mad One suggested that they were far too clean in nature and proceeded to read out a selection of totally filthy and politically incorrect yarns from her phone. I can only advise you that none of us will ever look at a midwife in the

This week I had the pleasure of welcoming the Rugby President, the First Lady and their adorable children, Little Miss Chatterbox, the Quiet Princess, Genius and Jelly Bean. They arrived over from Shropshire by ferry, and showed up at my front door bearing wine in three colours, a very large box of chocolates and one dozen of their own free range hens eggs.....lovely ! My boys were immediately enthralled and gave them a full show of wrestling and chasing, as they do at about that time every evening. They joined us for a roast dinner and it was a pleasure to clear away the empty plates...I really do sound like BMM now ! On Tuesday, I turned into a local tour guide of minimal knowledge as I showed them around the Hill of Tara ( which Jelly Bean made into Tellytubbie land) and the Battle of the Boyne site, which Genius knew alot more about than I did....he is 12 ! I had thought I was quite knowledgable about local historical sites but it appears I was quite wrong. I came out with one enti

On Saturday afternoon, GASP, myself and our two boys found ourselves at YWML and The Caribbean Queens ( TCQ)house to celebrate their youngests First Communion. When I say "found ourselves", we had actually been invited, which was unexpected but a delight. You see YWML and TCQ are marvellous hosts, so it promised to be a great afternoon and it was. On arrival, our boys disappeared as soon as they caught sight of the Bouncy Castle. GASP very kindly offered to supervise, so I proceeded into TCQ's beautiful kitchen. By the time she and YWML had kissed me, a large glass of Chenin Blanc had been forced into my hand and I was duly introduced to all present. Those in attendance included the adorable Sunshine and her just as adorable other half, who I shall refer to as Seaside, due to the fact that a)he was wearing turquoise blue and also b) because he complimented Sunshine perfectly. As I progressed around the room, on my way to greet TCQ's fabulous Mum of the Durbavilles, I

No, I have not lost all reason, but yes , this weekend I cooked the Cambodian National Dish, Samlor Korko. You see, the Mad One had sent me a text some days ago, boasting about teh fact that she ahd just served Samlor Korko to the Spud farmer, and that he had been so delighted by it, he remained silent throughout it's consumption. Not to be outdone, I asked her for the recipe which I received from her on Saturday morning, having already picked up the pork fillet, aubergine and butternut squash I remembered from our previous conversation. She handed me the recipe and there were 24 ingredients ! Before you could start, you had to make a "Kroeung" a curry paste, involving Ginger, Turmeric, Garlic, lemongrass, kaffir lime leaves, shallots, green chili, lime zest and Fish Paste...ah yes the Fish paste. I advised the Mad One, that I would go buy it but she had a full jar, so offerred me the two teaspoons required. She insisted however, that I smell the Fish Paste....OMG ! I was

OK so I measured it. I had been wondering for some time just how big it was. I should really have measured it when we first got married, but you're in love, you feel fabulous and it does not seem important...how wrong I was ! There were times I looked at it and imagined it bigger or smaller, depending on the angle you were looking at it. I knew it was bigger than most, but tried to keep that at the back of my mind. Last week, unable to look at it, unmeasured, any more, I finally took out the tape measure and set to finding out exactly what I was dealing with.....7 inches .....far far far too much for any woman ! Nowhere near normal .It was beginning to feel tight and leave it's mark. It was no longer comfortable and I could not just continue to accept it.GASP had said nothing but I know it was affecting him too. Something has to be done about my waist ....7 whole inches above the recommended 32 inches!

Yesterday, May 14th 2011 was a lucky and unlucky day for GASP. Unlucky because he woke to find he was married to a hormonally charged b**** and lucky in that he was still alive at 11.00pm last night. As some of you will appreciate,( and some of you will completely doubt! )yesterday I was taken over completely by hormones. I woke looking for a fight and in these circumstances, your nearest and dearest is target number 1. GASP's mere presence in the house....no...on Earth ! was enough of a reason to look at him venomously when he rose from his slumber, 2 hours, 17 minutes and 14 seconds after I has got up with HIS baby ! It was his fault that I was knackered having been out on Thursday night. It was also his fault that part of our large oak tree had fallen down during the week, necessitating that he spent his Saturday wielding a chainsaw, chopping wood for OUR winter fire......IT'S ONLY MAY FOR CHRISTS SAKE ! The sound of the chainsaw was somewhat soothing , in that I was able t

One year after the tremendous celebrations which marked my 40th birthday, I hit 41, (or should I say, slid into it).To say it is an anti-climax is somewhat of an understatement, as it bears no resemblance to the fuss and attention lavished on me aged 40, but hey ho, on with life we go ! Having whinged a bit, I did have a lovely weekend. On Staurday night we went round to Victor and the blondes and enjoyed a great dinner of Parma wrapped pork fillet, wiht all the trimmings, in the company of Newly Single and the lovely Skinny Mallink ( the only person I know who owns the book "Strategies for Gaining Weight".....I kid you not !)Bubbly moved on to White wine and the nutters at the table( I was not one of them!) moved further onto the deadly Black Sambucca.....nuts !I did spend some time however swinging ( no, not that type of s party ) on Victors magnificent ( no, not that type of party either) HAMMOCK ! I was wearing my new GOK Style wrap dress wiht a killer pair of scarlet hee

So, last Monday the Mad One turned 40. What a delight, as the more people who reach that age, the younger I feel. We spent last weekend partying with family as the Ambassadrice came home from Paris and the Fit One made it all the way from New Zealand. We had a great four days, culminating in a birthday party in BMM's on Sunday, involving the magnificent cake from The Flying Bbay Cake Company, a gluten free masterpiece, incorporating the Mad One sitting on her big red couch surrounded by her favourite things ie. the children, wine bottles, Hello magazine, coookery books and pots and pans. It was truly fantastic, as you can see, and the vanilla sponge with strawberry cream tasted amazing......there isn't a crumb left. The Mad One delighted us by fulfilling her life long ambition of singing a song from start to finish ( she only ever does the first two lines)We loved her version of "Bright Blue Rose" by Mary Black, but was so nervous she sang to a blank wall in BMM'

Is there anywhere on Earth, where this picture seems right ? I caught a glimpse of this magazine cover the other day while buying petrol and truthfully contemplated dousing myself in the same petrol and setting light to myself , so that I should be able to rid my brain of this most dreadful image....what on Earth was she thinking???? Of course, we already know what Mariah was thinking, as she truly thinks she is beyond fabulous.....WRONG ! Never again will I consider petrol buying a low risk activity, never again will I waltz carefree into my local petrol station, never again will I buy OK magazine and I promise to never ever again hum " All I want for Christmas is you"

Well,what a week ! It started on Monday (as most weeks do !)when I attended my first Ladies Lunch. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this phenomenon, basically, it consists of about 150 very well dressed women of age 35 to 80, gathering in a posh location at 12.00 midday. Here they are plied with bubbly and wine, until they totter to their table for lunch, followed by some musical entertainment....last year Johnnie Logan , this year an Elvis impersonator...well there is a recession on !I was very appropriately dressed in a little green number ( British Racing Green, VROOM, VROOM) and an extremely high pair of heels, I had knicked from the Mad One. These very expensive shoes had bright red soles, but were not Laboutins....of course, everyone would have thought they were...fine by me ! I can't really say it was my scene, but at least now I have been so can talk about it. And talk about it I did the following night, when I had dinner with 3 friends who will be familiar to my re

Little story I heard today which amused me. A local woman decided, for some fun, to invite round a few people for the morning of the impending Royal Wedding. She designed "invitations" stating that William and Kathryn requested the pleasure etc. putting her own address on the bottom. She duly sent them to her Mum, sisters and Aunts. Her Mum phoned her other sister, saying she had received a wedding invitation but a) had not idea who William and Kathryn were and b) was a bit put out that her husband had not been invited !....Lovely.

My Lenten avoidance of Liquor has been going very well but twice now I have had an acute desire for a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. The interesting thing is that these two incidents ,occurred exactly one week apart...to the hour ! According to the deep longing in me, I have a craving for wine at 6.00 every Sunday evening ! I expected the urge to be there when I was out with the girls the other night or on St. Patricks Day, or even around 8.00 on a Friday but no, my hour of temptation is at tea time on the day of rest. Why ? Is it to numb the impending Monday feeling ? Is it due to some built in hormonal clock ? No, I have realised it can be put down to sport....yes Sport ! On Sundays, quite regularly, GASP goes to a place I call GASPland. In this land he is single, childless and about 26 years old. In this land, when we visit his Mum after mass, he sits at the end of her table and reads the Pat Spillane column in the trashy newspaper, she gets, so that he does not need to. He lifts his hea

OMG he is on his way to Ireland. Barack Obama will come here the same month as my birthday ( May) . He will visit Moneygall, where his great great great grandfather ( a shoemaker called Kearney) is from. In the 2006 census Moneygall had a church,5 shops, a post office, a garda station and two pubs. It now only has one pub so guess which bar I am planning on sitting in for most of the month of May !The population of Moneygall was 298 in 2006 but I am guessing will have risen considerably since and is about to quadruple. It is just over the Tipperary border in Offaly , so just up the way from Borrisokane, where I happen to have some very dear friends ....I may be calling !I am thinking about just sending him a wee note asking if he'd like to come round for some lemon cake and decaf tea, but I would happily stuff a bird for Barack. I'd pull off a leg for him, but he looks like a thigh man to me........ooooooh bring it on !

So last night I had the pleasure of a night out in Newly Single's house with the FA, the Queen of Baking and the Blonde. Newly Single is now in fact one year single, so I may have to consider renaming her. She provided the curry, and myself and the Queen provided dessert, mine being glorious Trifle and hers Chocolate Buns decorated with green icing spelling out Happy St. Patricks Day !....brilliant. The truly astounding thing about them, apart from the fact that they tasted divine, was that credit for the sponge was given to none other than Betty Crocker !!!!I managed to keep to my Lenten promise and stuck to sparkling water, as did the FA but the other 3did their damndest to drink on our behalf, leading to a point when the blonde tried to pour a bottle of wine with the screw top still on. The conversation avoided all truly important issues and dealt mainly with the trivial, entertaining and downright rude....just for a change. Much mirth was gleaned from the Queen recounting a sto

A book entitled " What Men Think About Apart from Sex" sold out on ebay today bringing it to the top of the bestsellers list. This 200 page book proved particularly popular with a group of Oxford students, who bought it to use as a notebook.....because all 200 pages were BLANK !The author is apparently considering a follow up with " What Women Think About Apart from Sex". My feeling is that this will, in fact, be an encyclopedia. All members of the male sex should by law be made to buy it, read it and memorise topics from the encyclopedia so that ,on a Saturday night, they have some chance of engaging their wife/girlfriend in a conversation other then "fancy a ****" . I realised though, that if men truly think about sex so much, we need, as a female race, to come up with a system for managing their wants and desires so I have invented the "window of opportunity technique". This complex "sexual management and coital kibosh" ( SMACK ) t

International Women's day today coincides with Pancake Tuesday.Coincidence.....I DON'T THINK SO ! Some git thought it would be a great joke to celebrate us,while reminding us of our place in society ! I vowed yesterday that I was going to buy pancakes, hot off the griddle in the local Supervalu, much to GASP's horror. I was further hindered in my plan when my eldest son advised me that his teacher was bringing in pancakes. OK,so now I am competing with my mother in law and a gorgeous young Junior Infant teacher.....what did I do......put four ounces of flour in a bowl and battered it ! As with every pancake Tuesday I make half the amount of batter I actually need, as GASP's personal choice for think American type pancakes uses alot of batter, leaving none for BMM's ultra thin crepe preference. Uncle next door had two sent over in tinfoil,hot off the pan and eldest son practised flipping his on a plate until he consumed it with a few bits of dirt off the floor, cover

Huge apologies fans. Having checked, I have failed to supply you with an update on my life since January 24th.....disgraceful. I vow to make far more regular contributions, as part of a heavy Lenten campaign. I have simultaneously, for the first time ever (and quite possibly the last) decided to give up the drink. GASP, a teetotaller, obviously think that drink improves my hum our or state of mind, as he is not keen that I desist from my Sauvignon Blanc, and has asked that I reconsider. Needless to say, certain friends of mine......all my friends will have a similar opinion but I am going to have a go, in the knowledge that, Easter Monday, I will be hungover ! So what have I been up to ? I don't think we need to bridge the gap between Jan 24th and now so will go back a mere 72 hours to THE SHOE PARTY. Maxi, friend of the Mad One, very kindly invited me to her house on Friday night last for said party. It has the makings of a great night as it combined girls, drink and shoes....what

I really want to have dinner with Barack and Michelle ! I am happy for them to come to mine, but would equally, be only too delighted to travel over to their place. I could bring dessert, or a starter and would of course bring a bottle. Which version of the previous three items would I bring though ? I suppose I should start withe the starter. For that I think I would go for Jamie Oliver's Christmas Salad, with clementines,prosciutto, rocket, mozzarella and a citrus dressing ( ie. fruit,meat, dairy and veg....very balanced !)It would travel well and I could just put it together in the White House Kitchen on Michelle's choice of nice plate ( seeing as they have a whole room devoted to them ). If she asks me to bring dessert, needless to day I will try to satisfy both myself and Michelle and the boys ie. Barack and GASP. GASP will want either Pavlova or Apple Crumble and I think I will go for the latter, as I doubt they ever get a proper " stick to your ribs" pudding. I

Luckily for GASP, the FA came round on Sunday morning.On Saturday I had taken the radical decision to make pastry, so that I could make use of the apple puree in the freezer, gained from the orchard next door of Uncle Slow Driver. Now , I consider myself a great woman to bake a cake but I am useless when it comes to pastry. Unfortunately GASP's favourite dessert is Apple Tart....spot the problem ! I have discovered that 1. frozen pastry does not do the same job but 2. a food processor is the best thing for pastry making, if like me, you suffer from "hot hands" ....among other things !I woke late on Sunday morning, due to a large consumption of Rose in BMM's over tea the evening before and, although happy with my food processor pastry, was in dread of rolling it out. FA to the rescue. Like a culinary superhero, she swooped in, clad in my Cully and Sully apron ( and a few other items of clothing....much to GASP's disappointment) . She grasped my rolling pin like it

So today I took on an interesting task. I volunteered to bring back a gift, a friend of mine ( who shall remain nameless) received for Christmas. This friend is somewhat incapacitated at present, so unable to make it to the poshest shop in Dublin with the trio of Jo Malone candles, her Cavan husband had bought for her. The fact that he is from Cavan is very relevant, as in my opinion , he is the only Cavan man EVER to spend 165 euro on 3 candles ! I kid you not. Now, many who know my friend, might consider her the type of woman who would be impressed by this, the fact that it came in a customised bag, box, tissue paper and had a branded box of matches ( honestly !)but I am proud to declare, in these recessionary times, that she thought it somewhat ridiculous, and decided she could do alot with 165 euro, alot more that is, than lighting, and subsequently blowing out , three candles.With great delight, I offered to carry the beautifully packaged gift down Grafton Street, to it's heig

OMG. I have just naively typed in "fetish picture latex" in order to get the above picture for tonights blog. I am in a state of shock. I am very liberally minded but NEVER thought I would see the images I did...another glass of Sancerre required. I was going to write about my new latex allergy and the rash I am suffering from....on my hands....from rubber gloves ! I was going to lament the fact that I would never get to don a latex suit for GASP in case the rash would affect other regions, and lament opportunities lost, but having seen that website....whew ! Mind you I was more likely to look like the Gimp than Catwoman, so maybe it's just as well. It reminds me of the time BMM googled Iarnrod Eireann and mistakenly opened a site called "Iron Rods" ....she's still on the medication !

I settled down this evening with the local paper and proceeded to read the "Songs of the Year Special". I aged 20 years in a matter of seconds as I recognised exactly 3 artists of the 15 mentioned !These were Eminem, Rihanna and Kanye West. I had never heard of Cee Lo Green, Tinie Tempah or MGMT. I know that I own a copy of "Now Thats What I Call Music 1" and a pink pressed vinyl Elvis Double Album. I have Thriller on vinyl and will admit to loving the Andrews Sisters but have I actually died ? There is a whole world of Music, Twitter, Drugs, Sex and iPads out there I know nothing about. I am a forty year old fossil. I think I'm trendy because I know who Miley Cyrus is, have seen Camp Rock with the Jonas Brothers and own Planet Jedward ,but I am,in fact, a nerd. Very soon I will embarass my 5 year old, teenagers will giggle at me in the street and my dancing at weddings will be on u tube. Mind you, I am cooler than GASP, who owns a few "tapes" and danc

Firstly apologies for taking so long to issue another blog. Decenber 2010 was a write off as I was sick, the kids were sick, the country froze and, to add insult to injury, Christmas was in December....honestly ! It is the second day of 2011,all are well, and today we gave out the last gift to GASP's godson..thank God !Apart from the fact that the tree is still twinkling in the corner, normal service has resumed, in that I am in my pyjamas ( new ones !), my heat holder socks ( genius) with a glass of Freeman's Bay Sauvignon Blanc in my hand, comtemplating if I should have a pizza or not....heaven ! For some normal service is suspended. The blonde is on crutches entirely due to the fact that she has rich friends. You see, she was in a house with marble floors, and slipped on exiting their facilities. Had she hung around with those of us with cheap carpet and wooden floors, her ankle would be intact , but that's the price you pay for posh friends. The FA is resting after a ve