bigfoodiemama

I really like Pope Francis but this week, he and I saw things slightly differently on the whole procreation front. I had no qualms about his suggesting people limiting their family to three. The mere threat of my two becoming four based on a family history of twins, led me to call a swift halt to conception in our house. Now, as per Pope Francis, I should now be using " natural methods of contraception" to ensure our happy little family remains, as far as I am concerned, happy. He suggests this as if it is easy...he would be wrong....quite a feat for an infallible man . You see, the "natural" method involves the female of the species taking her temperature on a daily basis so that she can " naturally" determine her most fertile time, then " naturally" abstaining from any D+D ( Down and Dirty) until "safe" again to do so. " Naturally" no man thinks this is a great plan, as it is a guaranteed 5 -6 days of abstinence in a calende...

So, there I am browsing through the Opaque Tights section of a high street store in Inverness, in the knowledge that my knee highs ( yes, I know!) may not be able to sustain my circulation in this feeezing climate. I knelt down, as the XL tights are always on the bottom rail, as of course it makes sense that midgets struggle to reach the small tights while I nearly rupture myself trying to reach to the back of the bottom rung for the tights made for those over 5 foot 9 ! It's the same with bloody bras.......32 A, top shelf, 40 DD ,near the floor , so your own breasts may actually suffocate you trying to reach down for them...I digress. Knelt down as I was, I suddenly spotted " Moisturising Tights"...I kid you not. They were infiltrated with Cocoa Butter and Aloe Vera, so as to actually moisturise your legs while wearing them , this effect lasting for up to 5 washes....amazing ! Brings a whole new meaning to "let me just slip out of these"...you'd slide out i...

"Do not try to control things, not even a little bit" said my stars on Sunday. This struck a note with me as I may be guilty of wanting to maintain control, a source of amusement and ridicule from my family members (ie. the Mad one and Spud Farmer ). I decided to take the advice and vowed to "go with the flow a little". That evening, while watching The Fall ( oh my God, how hot is Jamie Dornan !) GASP advised me he wanted "to try something different". Although the control freak in me wanted to know exactly what he was talking about, when he said " trust me, just go with it" I knew I had to......just this once ! What if I put it here he said.....Oh dear Lord this was well outside my cmnfort zone . "No, you'll have to move it" I said in a panic. " No" said GASP gently......"just leave it here for a few minutes to get used to it". It wasn't easy . I so wanted him to move it, return it to it's usual, familiar...

bigfoodiemama: Facial hair, Fabulous Fifty and Fantasies : So Bangin' Barry has grown a beard. It suits him but he seeks confirmation from every woman he meets ,refusing to take advice from 5 foo...

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Rumour was rife last week that a top secret celebrity event was to take place in the little known hamlet called "The Mills of Louth". Initial suspicion arose when Bangin' Barry was seen checking his reflection in every refelctive surface up the Main street in Ardee, but sources close to the bachelor advised us this was pefectly normal behaviour on his part. The Spud Farmer ( aka Hefner) had allegedly cut short a trip to his country estate in Donegal and the Dancing Butcher was seen to take in vast quantities of Louth Caviar ( ie. pig). The top secret invitations were circulated throuogh an exclusive closed group online, but suggestion that it is in fact a cult were disputed. Among those who had to decline were Macho Martha who was due to be at a Matador event in Spain, Energetic Enda and Sheckles Shekleton who had plans made with Rory Mc Elroy and The Body Poppin' Postman who could not decide if he was "Home or Away" .Paparazzi, in the area behind the spud ...

So last night, GASP and the Mad One happily agreed that I should accompany the Spud Farmer to the official launch of the SCD DVD. Due to an incident involving my having gone to Zumba 3 weeks ago with MILF Mullarkey, I offered to drive, as I am on a cocktail of medication for back pain as a result of Twerking and Body Rolling. It may suit the physique of Miley Cyrus and Barry Buttocks, but not this 44 year old mother of 2 !I should have been able to work out what kind of evening it would be when the pint of Heineken post showed up on our SCD private Facebook page, and the fact that numerous dancers were planning pre drinking drinks..... The Spud Farmer arrived out to my car clad in the standard Spud Farmer attire of creased jeans, checked shirt and the affluent farmer adjunct of a Tommy Hilfiger canvas jacket. I was in my flat shoes as back pain and heels don't mix, so at least I knew my feet would survive what was to come. The Spud Farmer advised me early on that the night would go...