Ooooh Spanx me !

Marriage brings with it,every year a new comfort level with your partner...whether he likes it or not. Those intimate little activities which were on a " need to know" basis before you married, are now carried out in full view of your poor husband. GASP has seen many things in the last 9 years, that I am sure he wished he hadn't,as some of my mystery is now on full view to him, included in which is the "Bridget Jones" knicker collection. Prior to marriage, he was under the impression that my underwear drawer consisted of wispy little fancy smalls. He was blissfully unaware that in the countdown to our wedding day, I purchased about 17 different pairs of BJ's to ensure absoultely no VPL in my slinky wedding dress ( I was 2 stone lighter so slinky was the order of the day) Over the last few years he has seen the BJ's emerge from the wardrobe, usually flung over my shoulder as I hunt down the required underwear for the various outfits I have worn. I took things to a new level however,on Friday. I was somewhat unprepared for a wedding, in that I ordered a dress online, which arrived 48 hours before the wedding, preventing my having the time to source the perfect underwear. I tried on the dress for GASP on Wednesday evening after work, and with the confort of a nine year happily married man uttered the words " it'll be grand with the right big knickers". No need to panic thought I, my Spanx are in the bottom of the wardrobe, so I happily arrived at Friday lunchtime not having contemplated anything except how lucky I was to pick up a pair of shoes in Penneys, which matched my royal blue wrap dress....for 3 euro ! To hell with fact they pinched a bit...they looked great. Friday lunchtime came, mid November and I remembered that my legs were shaved but not tanned so hosiery was required. This is where it all began to come apart....literally !For those of you unaware of the most interesting fact about Spanx, I will now advise you....THEY ARE CROTCHLESS ! The idea is that you pull ( and I mean pull!) them on , right up to bra strap level and under no circumstances, do you ever, ( and I mean ever) attempt to pull them down for something as trivial as toileting. I did it once before and nearly had a stroke trying to get them back up in a toilet cubicle, 3 months pregnant, in full length attire. The only hosiery I had suitable in colour were apair of Marks and Spencers Secret Support tights, which smooth your thighs, pull in your tummy and smooth your lines. They are not crotchless . Herein lay the problem. Assistance was required. With Herculean effort I pulled on my chest to knee length Spanx, and called GASP to scrub in for the second procedure. This involved him standing witha tight leg in each hand and pulling them apart to create just the right amount of stretch on the crotch section so that I could carry out a crotchectomy with a very sharp, large scissors. These post operative tights were then hoisted over the Spanx and smoothed in all the right places, until Gok Wan would have been proud of me. At this very moment I glanced at my adoring husband and I think a little light had gone out in his eyes, the light that had been looking forward to getting me home alone after the wedding. Fair play though, once the dress was on, the tootsies squeezed into my Penneys shoes and my jewels donned, he smiled lovingly, told me I looked fab and taking a deep breath brought me to the wedding. His date may have been wrapped tighter than a bale of silage but he knew he'd feast on her later !