The Ghost of Christmas Future

The Christmas gift this year from GASP has NOT got me excited. The lovely GASP ( apart from when he says at this time of year " It's only one day!" ) very kindly suggested that he give me some money to get myself some clothes, Santa Claus kindly looking after the book, perfume, bottle of Chablis side of things. With delight I hit a well known store who have a section specifically for the 40+ age group. I have no need for designer clothing or labels but wanted a few key items for my " capsule" wardrobe. Sadly it appears that women over 40 in Ireland are deemed to have short legs as the 3 pairs of trousers I tried on flapped around my lower shins...well they would have flapped if they weren't also " slim fitting" .....What I ask is wrong with trousers being straight like they used to be as opposed to be so that I can balance my hourglass figure ( well hide parts of it anyways!) I gave up , disgusted that being 2 stone slimmer appears not to actually make shopping any easier . Off I headed to a meeting, the gift money burning a hole in my pocket. I stood at the back of the room and to my dismay realised that I was having to squint to see the powerpoint writing. I had noticed I had been developing the posture of a peering dowager in my efforts to read distant print or road signs, so decided that I needed to act upon the eye test some months ago, which indicated I was in the varifocal stage of life. FFS ****! 46 years old, arse heading south, legs too long and eyesight too short ! With total disappointment I decided that buying new clothes was futile if you could not actually see enough to admire them, so made the tragic decision to put the Christmas gift funds towards new specs.
GASP, delighted with such common sense, agreed that our family shopping trip today should secure new glasses for me in time for Christmas ....My newly coloured ( as it is going grey) hair looked great as I put on my flat boots ( I get sore balls !) and headed off with as much Christmas cheer as a turkey . Into the well known nationwide opticians we went and had great fun trying on frames, photographing me, and the boys killing themselves laughing at my transforming from Mrs. Doubtfire to Where's Wally . Eventually the youngest picked up a pair which appeared to be made for my face and unanimously we decided to opt for them and their €189 price tag...great stuff. The gorgeous non spectacle wearing assistant brought us over to the quiet area, where they break bad news and offered me a coffee...in hindsight it should have been a Vodka as I could not have foreseen just how bad the news was going to be ! Her manicured, shellaced nails tapped away on the calculator and with a smile she told me that with the need for thinning the prescription down so I would not look like Deirdre Barlow ( young wans...look her up under Coronation Street) and the fact that these amazing things would be able to see everything near, far and in between, but was prepared to knock €75 off....she could furnish me with the one pair of glasses for .....€414 ........yes ......€414...interesting it begins with the letter "f" as that is exactly what I very nearly said out loud in front of my children. " I could get a stick and a dog for that!" I uttered , while GASP's face froze, as he began to realise that I was becoming very expensive to keep with my passing years. He's been through the Bridget Jones knickers phase, the Spanx phase, the bra now needs padding, bum needs lifting phase. He has seen my make up bill increase, my hair go grey, a wee wrinkle form between my brows and some hairs sprout from my chinny chin chin.......and yet he still sticks around ! Mind you, as GASP said when we paid for the glasses....
" You've got to look at the bigger picture"...... At €414 I'd effin better be able to see it !