bigfoodiemama

So the day had come to celebrate the wedding of my cousin ,the Pretty Patissiere and Lucky Leonard ( lucky entirely based on the fact that he has joined our amazing family!) . The wedding was taking place in Wicklow, so BMM ( big mamas mama) GASP and I set off at midday, in the knowledge that the Mad One and the Spud Farmer were following behind. The usual pre wedding activities had taken place i.e. exfoliation, shaving, plucking, moisturising, nail painting and tan application. Appointments were booked for hair and make up on the morning and a pretty little vintage hairband with netting purchased. GASP followed his usual pre wedding routine also...he dry cleaned his suit...period !BMM looked gorge in coral, I rocked a black and blush pink dress and GASP looked like Daniel Craig in his black tie attire. I had plans to examine his concealed weapons later in the evening ! Off we went down the N11 where plans to stop for a bite to eat changed when we faced road works and some very length...

I once, in front of GASP, asked the Financial Advisor if I was " high maintenance". Her response, after only a moments hesitation , was " Well..... not financially !" The cheek of her. As one of my true friends, she is meant to side with me , but on this occasion herself and GASP winked at each other and I was the outcast. You see the FA knows me well and I have my moments. Although to most people I appear to be a very good natured, cheerful, patient and generally happy individual...which is the case a lot of the time.....but then....approximately every 28 days....the emotional tide turns ! In true hormonal female fashion, all venom is aimed at GASP. Today is one of those days. It didn't start well you see, as I was comatose when the younger son burst into the room at 9.40am ( MY lie in today)to advise me that a second new kitten had appeared overnight. His uncontained excitement woke me rather abruptly just as I had , in my dream, cycled on a kids balance bike,...

Following my period of enforced hospitalisation, I became very aware of the sad state of affairs that was my underwear shelf. I had only one,new shiny white t shirt bra, which was in any way decent, and as it was a "full cup" it was huge, unattractive and an actual form of contraception in itself. The grumpy lady I had approached in Marks and Spencer's one morning, did not know if she had the time to measure me as only 2 others had turned up to work, as opposed to 3 and she had stock to sort....LIKE I CARED ! I was under pressure, under stress and now without underwear as I realised I had flown out of the house that morning in a black bra and jumper, the top I had to change into for an after work do was white...hence my need to purchase. Under duress, she sighed heavily and escorted me to the changing room and measured me at a 42C.....a disaster in measurement terms. M+S has one, yes ONE bra to fit me, as I am apparently so huge across my back would need to approach a sc...

Right, so the time has come for me to return to work following my recovery from illness. This forced period of absence from work has taught me a lot, made me contemplate and given me the space to think... for a change ! So firstly, what have I learned. 1. If you feel like you might actually pass out, it is probably sensible not to take a shower alone before you set out to the doctor on call. 2. The reason you shave your pits, bits and legs regularly is in preparation for this moment. Keep it up. 3 When choosing your outfit to go to Doc on Call, never presume you will be coming home afterwards. However ill you are pay attention to your outfit...layers are a good idea as you will go from hot to freezing if you have a temperature and lying all night on a trolley in a wool jumper is hell. 4. Basically all of the above reminded me that everyone should have a hospital bag packed at all times, not just for childbirth. Treat every day as a potential admission day and in your car have a bag...

It's May, a month I always greet with delight. What's not to love ? It's summer, it starts with a bank holiday and contains the birthdays of a lot of people I love ( myself included) . However, May also comes at a price. Yesterday evening, the last day of April, a visitor arrived in the locality....the Gentleman Farmer pulled up in a jeep and trailer and a released a huge, randy, well hung beast into the field across the road....The Bull. This signifies more than just the circle of nature. This indicates that the next few weeks will see frantic sexual activity straight across from my bedroom window....sorry...OUR bedroom window. As can be the case ( so I've heard) this is often accompanied with bawling noises going on into the night. The ensuing lack of sleep which comes with this does not only affect the poor girls in the field, but also this middle aged , less energetic member of society . It is a vicious circle. From GASP's point of view it is like live porn. W...

I really like Pope Francis but this week, he and I saw things slightly differently on the whole procreation front. I had no qualms about his suggesting people limiting their family to three. The mere threat of my two becoming four based on a family history of twins, led me to call a swift halt to conception in our house. Now, as per Pope Francis, I should now be using " natural methods of contraception" to ensure our happy little family remains, as far as I am concerned, happy. He suggests this as if it is easy...he would be wrong....quite a feat for an infallible man . You see, the "natural" method involves the female of the species taking her temperature on a daily basis so that she can " naturally" determine her most fertile time, then " naturally" abstaining from any D+D ( Down and Dirty) until "safe" again to do so. " Naturally" no man thinks this is a great plan, as it is a guaranteed 5 -6 days of abstinence in a calende...

So, there I am browsing through the Opaque Tights section of a high street store in Inverness, in the knowledge that my knee highs ( yes, I know!) may not be able to sustain my circulation in this feeezing climate. I knelt down, as the XL tights are always on the bottom rail, as of course it makes sense that midgets struggle to reach the small tights while I nearly rupture myself trying to reach to the back of the bottom rung for the tights made for those over 5 foot 9 ! It's the same with bloody bras.......32 A, top shelf, 40 DD ,near the floor , so your own breasts may actually suffocate you trying to reach down for them...I digress. Knelt down as I was, I suddenly spotted " Moisturising Tights"...I kid you not. They were infiltrated with Cocoa Butter and Aloe Vera, so as to actually moisturise your legs while wearing them , this effect lasting for up to 5 washes....amazing ! Brings a whole new meaning to "let me just slip out of these"...you'd slide out i...