bigfoodiemama

Rumour was rife last week that a top secret celebrity event was to take place in the little known hamlet called "The Mills of Louth". Initial suspicion arose when Bangin' Barry was seen checking his reflection in every refelctive surface up the Main street in Ardee, but sources close to the bachelor advised us this was pefectly normal behaviour on his part. The Spud Farmer ( aka Hefner) had allegedly cut short a trip to his country estate in Donegal and the Dancing Butcher was seen to take in vast quantities of Louth Caviar ( ie. pig). The top secret invitations were circulated throuogh an exclusive closed group online, but suggestion that it is in fact a cult were disputed. Among those who had to decline were Macho Martha who was due to be at a Matador event in Spain, Energetic Enda and Sheckles Shekleton who had plans made with Rory Mc Elroy and The Body Poppin' Postman who could not decide if he was "Home or Away" .Paparazzi, in the area behind the spud ...

So last night, GASP and the Mad One happily agreed that I should accompany the Spud Farmer to the official launch of the SCD DVD. Due to an incident involving my having gone to Zumba 3 weeks ago with MILF Mullarkey, I offered to drive, as I am on a cocktail of medication for back pain as a result of Twerking and Body Rolling. It may suit the physique of Miley Cyrus and Barry Buttocks, but not this 44 year old mother of 2 !I should have been able to work out what kind of evening it would be when the pint of Heineken post showed up on our SCD private Facebook page, and the fact that numerous dancers were planning pre drinking drinks..... The Spud Farmer arrived out to my car clad in the standard Spud Farmer attire of creased jeans, checked shirt and the affluent farmer adjunct of a Tommy Hilfiger canvas jacket. I was in my flat shoes as back pain and heels don't mix, so at least I knew my feet would survive what was to come. The Spud Farmer advised me early on that the night would go...

So, last Thursday, the decision was made by the Mad One that the Spud Farmer was to take her to "Finally all there " Bogger's bar in the local town.Thursday, quite frankly a ridiculous night to go out, was chosen due to the 2 for 1 cocktail promotion. I was confident I could survive in that I was going to be driving, so Fridays work would be manageable.Then GASP suggested he would come with me immediately doubling, and very quickly trebbling my planned consumption. GASP is not a man for pubs, as a non drinker, so I reckon he was metaphorically "peeing up my leg", possibly a little concerned that I was about to elope with a fellow dancer....women of my age need to be watched ! This led to a conversation at work with the young ones, in regard to what does a 40 something woman wear to a pub for a 2-4-1 cocktail night in a rural town. The advice was "jeans, heels and a nice top", so after work I popped down to Dunnes to get a new pair of fitted jeans, as ...

This may well be the hardest blog I have ever written. The nature of blogs is that they find amusing things about ordinary life, not as I am about to to do, try to capture the escense of an extraordinary event. Last weekend was Strictly Extraordinary. Friday night saw our dress rehearsal. Now the Mad One had advised me that T.W.I.N.C would not have had a personality change from the Wednesday and would still be narky...oh boy was she right. So much so, that Masticating Matthews threatened to strangle him...Stage 1 of T.W.I.N.C. vs Matthews. The Spud Farmer did manage to cause a moment of hilarity however, when during his first Bee Gee type disco move he caught his afro wig with the tip of his finger and it flew across the stage.Midst much laughter he retrieved the wig, only to put it on backwards and tilted over his eyes, making him look even more rediculous, which was quite an acheievement, based on the fact that he was dressed like a cross between Prince, Scooby Doo and a male Strippe...

So, the last night of training took place on a Wednesday. T.W.I.N.C., who is usually more cheerful on a Wednesday decided to bring his Monday humour so made no friends. The Honey Monster and I demonstrated our dance for him , only to be told it lacked any perfromance and was "boring"...the cheek. Mind you, he accused Macho Martha and the One Legged Scot of being "comical". This was was not received well by Macho, whose face looked as if he might be, yet again, choosing a window. By the time practice finished, everyone was in need of a drink and to let their hair down.....off to the KAC Shack we went for the Boys Tanning Night.....oh yes ! Now, I was under the impression that a couple of the more competitive males would be the only ones partaking of the spray tan, so as to increase the ante, but it turned into a tanfest ! We descended upon the KAC Shack with drinks and were greeted by bowls of the Dancing Butchers Chicken Goujons, which we duly devoured. No sooner ha...

T.W.I.N.C. has decided he quite likes his new name, but did advise me to google it's meaning...I duly googled TWINK only to find it referred to a slender young man, the term stemming ( no pun intended) from the "golden coloured phallic-shaped snack cake, the "Twinkie", known for being of little nutritional value, sweet to the taste and creme filled, memorable more for it's outer packaging as opposed to it's inner depth....I rest my case :) Last Wednesday night T.W.I.N.C. was in great form ( Wednesdays are always better than Mondays) As I lay snivelling on the floor about to leap up beside the Honey Monster, T.W.I.N.C. yelled "Finger Him". This followed his instruction to Macho Martha and The One Legged Scot earlier in the evening to "give me sex, two pumps and a squirt". Cautiously ( still recovering from the previous weeks " pick a window /bowl of brave incident")T.W.I.N.C. suggested that Macho might smile and look to attract h...

There are those in life for whom first attempts just don't cut it. Take Shimmyin' Shane and Leggy Leah for instance. Last night, they endured the amateur comments of at least 8 of us newly qualified dancers, as they repeatedly tried to perfect their big lift. Poor Leggy Leah...everyone had advice for her " jump higher, lean forwards, keep travelling forwards, relax ". Shimmyin' Shane must have wondered if his arms would ever work again as he managed attempt, after attempt, after attempt. The Dancing Butcher, Body Poppin Postman and Honey Monster all leant hands...literally, and Leggy never gave up. Mind you, at one stage I asked Shimmyin' which dance he was doing, to which he quickly replied "Hand Job....NO....Jive!" For the Honey Monster, our first attempt at the twist just isn't exciting enough, so he suggested I observe John Sergeant and Kristina Rihanoff, off the BBC's SCD, "to pick up a few steps". I duly did as my partner adv...